I had a little bit of a moment the other day. In the midst of this ALS ice bucket challenge frenzy, someone posted a video of herself completing the challenge. I used to be best friends with this girl, and all I could think after watching the video was...
That's what her voice sounds like?
I haven't spoken to her in so long, I couldn't even remember the sound of her voice. And though I wouldn't say it upset me - it's been a very long time since we last saw each other - it did give me pause.
I'm fortunate enough to have remained close with most of my friends over time. My best friends from high school are still some of my best friends today. We can speak for the first time in six months and instantly fall back into our usual rhythm. I made friends during my semester abroad two years ago that I only get to see on rare occasions, but that makes those times all the more precious.
But I'm not immune to growing apart. There are people that once upon a time I couldn't imagine not being in my life, and over time they've just... fallen away. With one person, it was gradual. With another, all at once. One I still feel close to for a period and distant from the next. With one I could see separation inching its way ever closer, looming in the distance like a storm threatening to break, before I decided to stop it. With some, I feel it happening right now.
Sometimes it's a mutual thing, some unspoken agreement that the relationship (and I mean this in the broadest sense possible) is not worth saving. But sometimes it isn't your choice, or you didn't see it coming, and it hurts like hell. I guess it makes sense - in a way, friends are a part of all of us. Losing one can feel like plucking a strand of hair from your head - it barely touches you - while losing another can feel like losing a finger, or a hand, or an arm. Unbearable.
So how do you deal with growing apart from somebody? Sometimes it's in your control, and you can decide for yourself if you want to let it happen, or fight it. I was in a situation recently when I could have just let it happen. It was already beginning. I could feel everything we'd built just slipping... slipping... away. But I decided to fight. I looked the relationship square in the eye, thought - worth saving, or no? - and decided... worth saving.
But the bitter, inescapable truth is, at some point, someone in your life will look the relationship square in the eye, think - worth saving, or no? - and decide... no.
I've spent a lot of time throughout the past year trying to help people through this. I've spent my fair share of time trying to deal with it myself. I don't think there's a set way to deal with it, but I have realized a few things.
You can't deny that it sucks. It totally, completely, 100% sucks. To paraphrase a line from Stephen Chbosky's [in my opinion] masterful book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, you have the right to feel pain. It may not be as severe as someone else's, and you may think that that other person has a better reason to feel pain, but this is yours and that is enough.
But you have to realize that life is big. So very, very big. There is so much out there in the world. Losing someone can feel like the end, but it's not. It's a beginning. The beginning of a new chapter in your life.
So feel the loss. Feel your pain. And then, in time, move on. Life has its ups and downs. Life can be good, and life can be bad. Life can be fun, depressing, exhilarating, upsetting, out of control, messy, fast, slow, wonderful, tragic. But it is yours.
So go live it.
